I’m over here minding my own business trying to navigate making my little healthy ‘girl dinners’ and working on not thinking about that airplane full of diarrhea from last week — OHMYGOD GOOGLE IT — and what to my wondering eyes should appear but Tucker Carlson accusing our favorite president of smoking crack and engaging in the homosexual delights.
Now, obvi my algorithm does not usually take me into Tucker’s territory. I don’t know what that fool is up to. I make it a priority to not test the limits of my patience and sanity by paying attention to Republicans if I can help it. She just barged into my timeline hollering about gay sex and crack cocaine like a maniac. While I do not give a turkey about any single thing Tucker has to say, how in the world is a person to resist talk of crack … in all its varieties.
That was a gay joke — it’s OK to laugh.
Well, you know this means I flipped on over to Twitter to see what all the fuss was about. Oh, dear lord in heaven. I knew Tucker was annoying and extra but my goodness — the Alex P. Keaton drag, the annoying voice, the overworked wig stolen from a child in the 80s — I only watched two and a half minutes before I had to take to my bathtub with 3 LaCroix and a bag of candy corn (September candy corn is the freshest — get into it).
Long story short …
Obama burst onto the scene back in 2004 and then SURPRISE was the Democratic nominee for president in 2008. It happened so fast! It was such a shock. Nobody knew a thing about him. Thank the lord Tucker is here to interview some dude who claims to have gone on a sexy crack bender with Obama back in 1999.
It seems that Larry Sinclair was in Chicago to attend his godson’s graduation from Navy basic training (wow this is the gayest sentence I’ve ever written), and hired a limo driver to take him around the city. He’s just a simple girl from South Carolina (admit it, you just thought of Lindsey Graham) so she asked the limo driver to get him in touch with somebody who wanted to socialize and show him around Chicago. Don’t adjust your reading glasses, this story is indeed giving “very first draft of a Tennessee Williams one-act realness.”
Whoooooo do you think this limo driver called up?
Well, Barack Obama, naturally.
“I had given Barack $250 to pay for coke. I start putting a line on a CD tray to snort, and next thing I know he’s got a little pipe and he’s smoking. I started rubbing my hand along his thigh to see where it was going and it went the direction I intended it to go.”
…by which he means he then performed fellatio on then IL State Senator Barack Obama.
First of all, I think we have to acknowledge the clever use of “a little pipe” in this quote. It’s doing a lot of extra and interesting work here.
Also — I don’t know much about smoking crack cocaine, but I can’t chew gum and walk down the street at the same time. I literally fell down and broke my collarbone a couple years ago while running because I couldn’t both run and manage the playlist on my iPhone at the same time. Oral sex WHILE smoking crack in a moving limo? Who has that kind of dexterity? Surely not this man from South Carolina that as far as I know has never competed in the Olympics. I would probably die or wind up accidentally eating a penis for dinner.
There’s more to the story and if you want a deep dive you can read Sinclair’s book. Yes, friends, he wrote and published a book back in 2009 about the whole incident. He was trying very hard back then to get anyone to pay attention to his story once he realized the gentlemen caller from the limo in 1999 was the very same man on his television set who happened to be running for president. I mean — who among us doesn’t remember details from a decade ago? I don’t know, maybe a side effect of crack is a photographic memory? No one paid attention to Larry’s little story because, well, the liberal news media wanted to keep Obama’s crack smoking gay past from us.
LOL — seems legit — and only $956 on Amazon.
Obviously none of this is real, it’s just a wild attempt to get the olds all hot and bothered. They’re all jazzed up because Biden is clearly being controlled by Obama.
This is all so silly and ridiculous, but who can care about any of that. The bigger issue here is LARRY SINCLAIR:
(Just know that I’m pausing here so you can take it all in)
That’s all I can really say about that it’s Erev Rosh Hashana and I’m trying to get my name in the book of life. I’ll just sit here with some wild eyes and dancing eyebrows and I think you know what I’m thinking. Even a person who has Fox News streaming from inside their eyelids would agree that Barack Obama is a handsome dude. Do some light googling and you’ll see he was REAL cute back in 1999. So then my question is — you have a bright political future (even in 1999) and things are on the up and up and THIS IS THE DUDE YOURE GOING TO GET NAKED IN A LIMO AND SMOKE CRACK WITH?
Girrrrrrl.
No offense to Mr. Sinclair, he seems like a nice guy who is willing to share his drugs with complete strangers, but my guy could do better. In fact, this is the only thing I have been able to think about since seeing this gay sex crack cocaine story. OBVIOUSLY we don’t want Michelle going anywhere, but if she suddenly had to set her husband free … who would we set him up with? Not Larry but maybe …
Idris Elba
Everyone has a fantasy and this is mine. Why wouldn’t Barack Obama immediately be in a relationship with the most handsome man? Is Idris queer? I don’t know silly, I’m just a secretary for a rabbi. These big famous Hollywood stars don’t call me up and tell me about their lives, but I bet if Barack came a callin’ he might give it the old college try.
Ricky Martin
Annnnnd here we have fantasy number two. If I can’t be in a relationship with him, then someone should be. That someone might as well be Mr. Michelle Obama.
Wayne Brady
Listen, I don’t want to say I don’t trust these folks who come out later in life or that a sudden bursting out of the closet is suspicious but … Obama would be a real good reason to tell everyone you’re queer. I guess NOW WE KNOW.
Karamo
These two are not a match, but you know this one would be knockin’ on Baracky’s door. I can already see Barack on Queer Eye building a house out of painted macaroni talking about how his father never loved him. Guess who’s there to scoop him up? Uhhh — this one — THE THIRSTIEST.
Anderson
Andy here is probably the best move for Barack. He’s cute and subtle and respectful and comes from American Royalty and I can’t stop thinking about the two of them trying on all of those Vanderbilt Jeans! Besides — don’t his babies need a second daddy??
Stedman
Stedman has already dated (is that what they’re doing?) the most powerful woman on Earth … so then why not give the most powerful man a shot. Besides — now Oprah and Gayle are free to scissor kick themselves into oblivion.
Whatcha Doin???
reading: OK — it must be terrible narrator month for me. My goooodnesss. I just finished Yellowface and that book is a hot mess. The drama, the main character, the plot — are all so ridiculous. AND. I also recently read The Guest. This one is also WILD as hell. I’ve never encountered such an awful character who made me sooooo uncomfortable AND also found myself unable to put the book down. It’s so good? Read it and TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY you’ll want to talk about it.
watching: Drew Barrymore go up in flames.
OMG THE GUEST. I think I read it in one sitting. It was NUTS and I couldn't get enough.
Also, Tucker is the son of Ken Carlson, who was a transphobic piece of shit back in the 80s. Apple, tree, etc.
Just here to say you gave me your Obama button when I visited Chicago back in 2004 so you were an early adopter of both Obama and candy corn, which I opened my first bag of LAST NIGHT. Parallel lives.