The Very Worst Season of Drag Race. EVER.

Hi. It's me, Jeremy. I've come to judge the neighborhood.

It was a really big week for Boomers. Diane Feinstein finally returned to work, Trump showed his whole entire ass on CNN, and Grandpa Wales took some time out from not giving one single care about orthodontia to OFFICIALLY stumble his dusty ass onto the British throne — AND BABY — I think I speak for all of us when I say, “I can’t wait to see how this turns out.”

As the pics of Cammy and Chuck’s tailgate party for the monarchy have been released, each one a smidge more out of touch than the last, it became super difficult to decide which part of this whole charade was more cringe. Was it the golden carriage rides? Sitting on a throne on top of a rock they jacked from Scotland? Maybe the crowns filled with jewels stolen from Africa and India? Getting anointed with oil?

LOL — let’s sit with that one for a sec — ANOINTED WITH OIL.

GIRL. What?

How about having quiche named as the signature dish of the event? QUICHE. What in the British hell. I’d say hashtag monarchy so whhiiiteee, but Meghan already uncloaked their racist asses. Mayyyybeeee … it was the fact that this new “slimmed down” and “modern” royal family includes only FOUR people under the age of 70?

Hmmmmmmm … how could you pick just one … it was a FESTIVAL of cringe.

Don’t get me wrong. I love drama, and the septuagenarians are a full on delight — MERYL STREEP FOR INSTANCE — but I’ll tell you what — I cannot think of one single thing I will want less at the ripe and gorgeous age of SEVENTY FOUR than a brand new job. Oh, my dear lord in heaven. Can you even imagine? A NEW JOB?

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anoint my wrinkly ass with oil, get me a super sized quiche, and throw me in a gold chariot, but please for the love of red phone booths do not give 74 year old me a new job.

MY GOD.

Charlie must be a full on dummy. How thirsty is this weirdo? I mean the clothes seem nice and all that money from his mamma free of inheritance taxes must be nice but NAH BRAH. I’m in my forties and the thought of a new job at THIS stage of my life is enough to twirl me right on into an online retail therapy session.

ALSO. While we’re here, let me just go ahead and tell everybody to not even bother asking me to do one single thing more than shovel oatmeal and blueberries and the occasional mashed avocado into my face hole when I am 74. With the world the way it is, I’ll probably still be answering email over at the synagogue where I work, or maybe handing out shopping carts down at the Walmart, but KING? Surely you jest.

No, thank you. No ma’aam. Sorry, I’m booked.

The only thing I want to be king of when I’m in my seventies is not having to wear a diaper. Hopefully the only two items on my to do list at that time will be asking the nurse to push my lounge chair into or out of the sun, and crank up the Taylor Swift. I can’t be shaking hands, kissing babies, and showing up for a grand opening of Culver’s or whatever it is that kings do! I have my little programs to watch, and if all goes well a tooth or three to floss.

BUT OK GIRL.

I do love a spectacle, but this week’s dog and pony show hit a little different than I had expected. All those old pictures and videos of kings and queens of the past we’ve been force fed looked sorta quaint. The crowns, capes, tassels and goblets were exciting when it felt like I was watching an old-timey episode of Game of Thrones. It was easy to decide everyone back then was smiling and throwing back crumpets and brown sauce or whatever it is those Brits eat.

Butttttttttttttttttttttt

The brocade, scepter, and big gold ball sent straight from baby Jesus all hits a little different these days, especially when you have to reconcile how just about every single thing they’re showing off was stolen from some other country. My favorite detail I read about the preparation is that a couple of the stolen diamonds from India and Africa were simply taken out of the coronation crowns. They didn’t give them back, they didn’t apologize, they just put them back into a drawer so nobody would get upset.

AND THEN — BASICALLY NOBODY DID!??!?!

The event is historical they say, they’re expressing their heritage! Interesting argument for some folks who have been running around colonizing the globe. Uhhh — maybe some of the places you stole diamonds from want to express their heritage, jerks! GIVE THEM BACK.

An extra little punch to the face comes when you take in the fact that KING of the realm or the UK or England or whatever they’re calling him these days isn’t really even an actual real life occupation. He’s a head of state? That’s what they like to say about the position, which really just means Charles is just a glorified Martha Stewart with interesting teeth and sausage fingers (WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH HIS HANDS). The dude throws parties and shows off castles for a living. I host parties. I show people around my house? AM I KING NOW?

There isn’t really any there THERE, ya know? And while The Crown is one of my favorite television programs and I do love the history and sparkly gold and old white folks waving from a castle balcony as much as the next person, this week’s spectacle is some real horse shit. There are other royal families in Europe. There are other kings and princes and all of that, but none of them are putting on this level of a show. This three-day jamboree featuring nationwide street parties, a Windsor concert, and a symbolic ceremony at Westminster Abbey all followed by a grand public procession … will end up costing the British people around $125 million.

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE MILLION.

Can you even? The best part is that old crusty sack of fish and chips won’t even have to foot the bill. The coronation was a big loud commercial to get us to come along on their wild game of pretend. THEY NEED THE BRITS TO LOVE THE SHOW! THEY NEED THEM TO LOVE IT SO THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE TO PAY FOR IT.

There. The secret is out!

How wild is that? Especially for a dude who’s personal fortune is estimated to be around TWO BILLION DOLLARS!! Not only that … they are exempt from paying most taxes. Charlie scaled it back, he talked about caring for the people and made it smaller, but the coronation was still a wild extravaganza that stands in stark contrast to the bleak backdrop of the UK’s current economic crisis. They are reeling from decades-high inflation that has led to labor strikes. Hundreds of thousands of workers have walked out of work to demand better pay.

BUT YOU KNOW — let’s put on a show.

What do I even care, I’m just a cranky, celebrity obsessed American who has been delighted by these ridiculous pictures all week. Their smug little faces are truly something else. The memes write themselves!

It’s literally none of my business, and I don’t care all that much except it reminds me of how this gross and inappropriate carelessness with money is everywhere.

The rich just keep getting richer, and we all smile and nod and while it happens. We don’t have kings here in the US, but Amazon isn’t paying taxes and Elon Musk is running around flying penis rockets to the moon.

YAY! MAKE ALLLLL THE MONEY, but then contribute your fair share.

Why do we let this happen? WHYYY are Americans constantly voting against their best interest. I guess at least they all got a Katy Perry concert to distract them from the fact that they’re getting robbed. All we get are quick Amazon deliveries. I want everyone to have medical insurance. I want everyone who qualifies to get part of their student loans forgiven. It isn’t right that underprivileged students can’t eat a free lunch in some states.

Why, my god, WHYYY — can we not take care of each other in places where it really counts.

It makes me sick — and I say — OFF WITH THEIR HEADS.

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PUT ME ON YOUR CALENDAR: My solo show BIG GAY NIGHTMARE is at Steppenwolf this summer — July 6, 7, & 8.

GET YOUR TICKETS RIGHT NOW. I will hunt you down.