I am a marching band gay.
The closest I have ever come to caring about football — if you don’t count that one time I got to hold a friend’s Super Bowl ring (Hiiii, Jon!) — was back in college when I was paid (IN LITERAL AMERICAN DOLLARS) to prance around playing my tenor saxophone in stadiums across the South. I think maybe all that high stepping team spirit was supposed to translate into an appreciation of America’s favorite pastime, but I have never once understood how anyone could bother to care about football with majorettes and a whole entire brass section to keep us entertained. Until recently, I was proud that my knowledge of the sport began and ended with fire batons at half time, but now T-Swizzle has entered the chat and forced me to reckon with my life choices.
This is not how this was supposed to go!
I was very happy being a person who only knew what a touchdown was because that’s when I had to stop flapping my gums and play the fight song.
Well, look at me now!
My queen got herself an alleged new boyfriend and I’m looking at sports news, accidentally flipping over to see if I can spot Tay Tay at a game, and I JUST THIS MORNING decided to follow her new beau on Instagram.
Listen, go right on ahead and purse your lips and roll your cute little eyes all the way to Texas and back — see if I care. We haven’t had a celebrity couple this chock-full of charisma since Angelina threw Billy Bob’s blood in a vial, strapped it to her neck and called it fashion.
Attention must be paid!!!
Thank goodness I’m here.
Travis Kelce, for those of you who have been hiding under a rock, is a … COUGH COUGH … tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs. I know. Fine. So what. Who cares, or really even knows what that is (beyond what I’m picturing) EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE this dude is clearly in competition to be the world’s most charming person with a mustache.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it looks like I might be into mustaches now?
Kelce is personality plus, the kind of guy who might convince you to toilet paper the principal’s house or go streaking through your neighborhood in the middle of the afternoon. He’s out here twerking in the end zone when he scores, isn’t a terrible dresser, once had his own personal Bachelor-like dating show called Catching Kelce (a thing you will not be shocked to discover I watched back in 2016), AND co-hosts a hilarious and charisma-filled pod cast called New Heights with his brother Jason (WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PERSON).
There.
Now you know.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!
Back in June Travis declared himself a Swiftie by taking “a page out of Taylor Swift’s book” and welcomed newcomers to his tight end summit (lol mmm hmmm) with hand strung friendship bracelets. I guess this mention didn’t get the attention he wanted, so in July he upped the ante and announced (on his pod) he had made another friendship bracelet — THIS ONE WITH HIS PHONE NUMBER ON IT — and intended to give it to Taylor Swift at the Kansas City stop on her Eras Tour.
I meannnnn — if that doesn’t get the lavender haze creeping up on you, nothing will. It’s just so GD charming! Stars! They’re just like us! Just kidding, I can’t be making my own friendship bracelets when there’s all this candy corn to eat before the end of the month!
Buttttt don’t go getting too excited. The most perfect and devastatingly adorable meet cute got tanked when Swift refused to meet with him. My girl is a professional and cannot be out here talking to folks before a show. Not at these ticket prices, Boo! She’s gotta save that voice!!
That could have been the end of it, but then reports came that the two were “quietly hanging out.” THEN — Travis, who, as you can tell, is no shrinking violet, “threw the ball in her court.” He told Swift, “I’ve seen you rock the stage at Arrowhead, you might have to come see me rock the stage at Arrowhead and see which one’s a little more lit.”
**FAINTS**
Taylor did indeed take this bait (she’s no dummy) and popped up at Arrowhead a couple Monday nights ago, which is exactly how we came to live in the most interesting football moment since Refrigerator Perry made me look up from Barbie’s Dreamhouse in 1985. She sat in the player’s box next to Kelce’s mom (!!!) and screamed and cheered and made a real wholesome-ass spectacle of herself.
You might be all … that was cute now go make an album about your shenanigans for us … and to that I say … please get a snack your blood sugar is low and you’re bringing us all down, Karen!!
Swift, PER USE, turned her famous single girl antics all the way up this past Monday when she arrived at a game with Sophie Turner, Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, Antoni Porowski, Sabrina Carpenter, AND Brittany Mahomes (wife of Kelce’s teammate Patrick Mahomes).
OMG — BLAKE MF LIVELY — is football gonna go ahead and get glamorous now?? Are we moments away from Anna Wintour having an NFL-themed Met Gala? Am I going to have to start wearing shoulder pads and black makeup under my eyes??? It’s all very exciting, you know I love a celebrity moment but — our girl might (at least for the moment) have ditched the sad skinny art dudes for a REAL-ASS MAN and I cannot contain my excitement about it.
I guess this means we can forgive Jake Gyllenhaal now? Scarves are so 2012.
Anyway — GO CHIEFS.
Whatcha Doin???
reading: I just read I Love You, Carlie Bennett by bestie Adrienne Gunn and loved it. The book comes out in like 3022 or some nonsense because apparently book publishing takes forever, but it’s hilarious and wonderful I’m so excited for you to read it. When she’s super famous and on Oprah, just remember YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. Up next — Leslie F*cking Jones by Leslie Jones (I LOVE HER!!!).
watching: Love Is Blind (!!!!)
listening: to Tay Tay OBVI
eating: This pasta salad is so good I have to share it with you.
Hmmm.... Are we sure TJ is straight? <wink>