Girl!
I love the Oscars. I always watch, even though these days I’m far more likely to watch 27 consecutive hours of literally any thing on Bravo than I am to watch one single movie. The only Oscar movie I saw this year was Barbie. We loved it! We loved it so much we saw it two times … AT A DRIVE-IN! I’ll slowly get around to some of the other movies from this year, but for right now my grudge against that bomb movie is so big … I can’t even consider it. The world is rough and wild and weird enough — ain’t nobody got time for three hours about a nuclear bomb.
You know what I do have time for?? All these dresses, drama, and the public spectacle of it all! Well, that and the the chance that I might get a surprise three second glimpse of Charlize Theron. The glitz! It keeps me coming back for more year after year. Something has to since the show is mostly a snooze!
I know we’re all mad at the Golden Globes but could we maybe have those people talk to these Oscar people and jazz this show up a little?? Maybe they just need more champagne? Orrrrrrrrrrr — maybe we have Ryan Gosling perform every year?? ANYWAY - here are all the water cooler (omg are water coolers still a thing??) moments for you … all the bits to keep you in the conversation …
WHAT TIME IS IT — The Oscars were on time change Sunday last year, and they were again this year and this feels rude. I was tired, I didn’t know what time it was because the sun was still out when this mess was supposed to start. AND. They started the show early. I support the 6pm start time, because I can’t handle my husband crying about being awake after 9pm, but this time change situation has got to go. These two things happening at the same time almost knocked me out. Someone please call Oprah and have this corrected immediately.
Jimmy Kimmel — Say what you want, feel how you feel, but Jimmy is good at this job. He’s funny. He’s cutting. He’s a delight. They can just let him do this for the next 96 years as far as I’m concerned. The jokes were on point. The charm was on full blast. I thought he was really great. The super sensitive folks are probably talking about a joke he made about Robert Downey Jr’s drug past. It was borderline, but not super mean or even inappropriate and RDJ took it in stride. Jimmy also looks really good? I just googled him and discovered he’s 56. I don’t know how old anyone is, but I thought he was probably younger? Though, I’m also under the impression that I am 35 — which the math does not support. So what do I know!? Anyway - Jimmy is the best. Fight me.
Da’Vine Joy Randolph — There’s always at least one big magical Oscar moment that makes you all tingly and get a little misty eyed. This year it was Da’Vine. Her speech was awesome, inspiring, and real. Favorite line … “For so long, I’ve always wanted to be different, and now I realize I just have to be myself.” BOOM. Yes, girl! Thank you for reminding us. I gotta shut this computer and go watch her performance!
Actors Introducing Actors — Aiiiiight, so this year they brought back the actors introducing the actors nominated thing. I keep going back and forth on this. When the actors actually know the folks they’re introducing it feels magical and special and warms my heart. When they don’t know who they’re introducing it feels flat. AND YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL WHEN THEY KNOW THE PERSON. I loved the women doing this, but for the dudes it sorta felt like a messy frat party thing. One question is … why not mix this up? Why can’t a woman introduce a man and vice versa? Like why does that matter. Also — REAL TALK — having Jessica Lang (or Sally Field, or Rita Moreno) introduce you on national television might be more exciting than winning the Oscar.
THE BITS — The thing about all awards shows is there are alwayssss corny bits. You know what I’m talking about. I can’t think of one from the past because I immediately block them out! There’s just always a joke or a silly something that makes you groan and roll your eyes while looking over at your husband to make sure he agrees. They’re usually pretty terrible. This year though — the bits were on point! Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt having a Barbenheimer off, Kate McKinnon’s nudes to Spielberg moment, it was fun to see Schwarzenegger and Devito, and even John Cena’s nude bit (lol) for the costume design award was good. The only awkwardness was between Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer. They’ve apparently been best friends since forever but their banter made it feel like they had never met. Like — are you sure you guys know each other? The bombed and bombed HARD.
Standing O’s — Oh my lord. How many times we gonna give standing ovations on this show. These people will stand for anything. Settle down!
Emily Blunt’s dress — Can someone please talk to me about whatever was happening with Emily Blunt’s dress? I was feeling like there were no fashion moments. There was nothing super good and nothing super bad, but then they kept cutting to her and the straps of her gown were above her shoulders? Like by a couple inches? The dress was fine when she was on stage, but it looked REAL WEIRD when she was in the audience. Is it made of steel? Is she shrinking? What’s goin’ onnnnnnnn?
Cord Jefferson — Cord Jefferson is fine. That’s all I have to say about that.
In Memoriam — OK, first off — there was some weird direction going on with the Oscars. There were a few moments where the show was directed for television as if we were watching a stage show? Like - we saw the best picture nominees from the theatre instead of on our television screens. It was odd. Then? The In Memoriam section was also shown this way, which was really off putting too. The angle for this was weird (or sometimes the dancers were in the way?) in many instances and you couldn’t really read the names sometimes or even clearly see the pictures of those who have died. I mean all due respect to dancers everywhere — I don’t really need to see you during a memorial moment. Also, Bocelli and his son are great and all, but was TIME TO SAY GOODBYE really the best song choice? Whoooooooooooo did this??? It was super weird. If that wasn’t enough - there was a QR Code inviting us to see a bigger list of names. NO MORE QR CODES MY DUDES! I CANNOT. Though, honestly, while this was bad and it should be fixed … SHOULD IT? I love everybody, but IS THIS A THING WE NEED?
Ariana Grande — First, please stop trying to push Wicked down my throat. That show is aiiiight, and y’all went and split it into two movies which is fully ridiculous and unnecessary. You’ve also gone and helped little Ariana Grande lose her damned mind. She was fully dressed as Glinda the Good Witch. And, you know, well, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm OK. But - MAMA - you’re giving Austin Butler thinks he’s Elvis Presley vibes with your little character voice. Can someone get Doctor Susan Lowenstein on the phone?? (If you get that reference, we’re besties).
Ryan Gosling — OK, so first off, WHYYYYYY don’t we ever get to see Ryan and Eva Mendes together. Like ever (not since 2012). The real answer to this is she has taken a step back from acting to raise their daughters, and OK that’s beautiful but WE WANNA SEEEEE YOUUU TOGETHAH. Ry-Ry was so good in his performance of “I’m Just Ken” that they should have given him an Oscar before he left the stage. He was giving us Marilyn Monroe realness with his hot pink suit and army of backup dancers. It was funny, perfect, and probably the number one moment you need to watch from the show. Then, just when you think you’ve experienced all the joy from it that you can … out comes Slash from Guns ‘n Roses. Please watch it right now. SO FUN. Annnnnnd - he’s definitely not sleeping alone tonight (or any other night).
Nicholas Cage — Nicky was there last night and it was wild and wonderful to see him introduce Paul Giamatti. It was self referential with yelling … everything you need from a Nicholas Cage moment. I LOVED IT. More Nick Cage! More Nick Cage! More Nick Cage!
Trump review — This bitch. He’s always out here running his mouth and thinking we care. He posted a review of Jimmy Kimmel on Truth Social, and Jimmy read it from his phone. It was the same garbage you might expect from the former president, but then Kimmel said, “Well, thank you President Trump. Thank you for watching, I’m surprised you’re still – isn’t it past your jail time?” And then we all lost our minds laughing. What an asshole. Please vote and please do not vote for that asshole. What an ass hat.
Al Pacino — OK, listen. I love having these random beloved celebrities show up and surprise us during the Oscars. BUT. We can someone get these fools to show up for a rehearsal? Liza Minnelli a year or two back in a wheelchair acting wild. Warren Beatty announcing the wrong movie for best picture in 2017 (a moment so upsetting that his wife didn’t even bring him with her this year). And now we got Al Pacino with the weirdest Best Picture announcement since Elizabeth Taylor gave us GLAAAAAAAAAADIATORRRR. Al enjoyed his standing ovation and then rambled about Shakespeare and seemed to almost want to do a little Hamlet, but then mumbled some stuff while opening the envelope and and giving the most low key announcement of Oppenheimer. Weird. There was no reading of all the nominees. There was no drum-roll moment. Just a numbly and abrupt OPPENHEIMER. WTF, Al?
I meannnnnnnnnnnnnn - it’s a long ass night, but I always love it. There were no wild slapping moments, and the outfits were kinda unremarkable. What are we supposed to do now that awards season is done??? Oh, right, watch the new season of Traitors UK!!!