I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST CHRISTMAS.
Sorry to interrupt your wintertime sadness, Lana Del Ray, but we got some thangs to talk about.
Every year around Christmas my family skips off to Flaaaaaaaaaarida to laze around a pool, gossip about everyone who isn’t present, and eat all the bagels within a 50 mile radius. It’s exactly how it sounds — A REAL DELIGHT — so take a deep breath, put your Florida feelings on hold for two whole minutes and GET INTO IT.
Back in the before times these poolside bagel eating contests involved squeezing a bunch of movies into our super complicated meal schedule so we could be on point for the Oscars. My how times have changed. The Oscars are sorta fun and sorta boring and maybe a skosh cringe, and … wellllll … being sneezed on by a 300-year-old Republican in a dark theater isn’t quite as enticing as it might have been pre-covid.
Yes. Plague. And. I ask you — who can be out here risking their life for a 9:45pm showing of Aquaman 47? My goodness when will they run out of superheros? I think I can go ahead and speak for everyone here and say … WE ARE DESPERATE FOR A RETURN TO REAL-ASS MOVIES ABOUT REAL-ASS HUMAN PEOPLE. How difficult could this be? Can’t one of y’all show up at Meryl’s house with an iPhone? Jennifer Jason Leigh seems nice, maybe stop by her place.
Do I have to do everything?
I guess if I stop and think about it and take a deep breath I’m forced to admit the movie selection this season does almost seem to be trying to hint at a place that might be approaching a restoration that could be somewhere in the vicinity of something other than a cavalcade of superheros in tights. MAYBE, but the options are not exactly awe-inspiring. A four hour DiCaprio flick, three hours about a man inventing a bomb, and yet another movie with Joaquin Phoenix running mad through the streets. Haven’t we been through enough? It’s rough out there—and not much—not even all this gossip and hubbub about Bradley Cooper’s giant and unnecessary schnoz—is compelling enough to compete with Britney’s memoir and a hot soak in my bathtub.
MY LORD!
SOMEONE PLEAAAAASEEE MAKE A GOOD MOVIEEEEE.
Anyway, Warner Brothers, that’s why we’re not down at the movie megaplex.
Whatever.
None of this really matters on our little Florida trip since most everything we do is dictated by a couple adorable toddlers. That sounds like a record scratch moment, but trust me it isn’t. They’re wonderful! I love them to pieces, but they make for lousy movie dates. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I’ll chase them all around and scare them half to death and watch them climb all over their sleep deprived parents all the livelong day and love it, but it’ll be a minute before we can have a movie date.
It’s fine! Who can bother to care about movies when you have a gorgeous bathtub and ONE THOUSAND PAGES of Barbra Streisand judging you from the nightstand. I didn’t think we’d even see a movie this year, but then I got a good look at these parents.
Oh, my lord in heaven.
Have you ever looked into the eyes of a young parent who has just added a second baby to their home? I thought I knew tired. Girl, I thought wrong. Let’s just say when we got settled and knee deep into a bucket of egg salad and good gossip I was ready to toss them a fistful of melatonin and lock them in a hotel room for a few days. They do a good job, they’re the best parents, but I was tired for them. Shout out to all the parents everywhere who have to play the same games and read the same garbage and make the same jokes an infinite amount of times while appearing as if it is the very first time. It’s a good thing I don’t have children, because I’d have iPads implanted on their eyelids. I can barely deal with one husband and one dog. Two kids? No ma’am. I needed a spa day just watching them from the comfort of my lounge chair. These two were clearly delirious — all that running around and reading and playing — and all they wanted from us was a few minutes of adult conversation, alcohol, and a movie.
HOW COULD I SAY NO.
One of the great joys of being a childless person, beyond the obvious delight of not reading Peter Pan 3,000 times in a single hour, is offering the occasional adult rescue mission. How can I help - is the only question. I just smiled and warmed up the car. It was great! There was Indian food, and Prosecco, and not one mention of Peter MF Pan. BUT - then I let my guard down for half a minute and found myself on the way to a showing of Iron Claw in the middle of the night.
Mmm-hmm. That’s right. I got bamboozled into seeing a wrestling movie staring former teenage heartthrob Zac Efron. But again. It was fine! I was grateful to be of service. Besides, who doesn’t need exposure to a little straight culture now and again.
Do you know about this movie?
(lol of course not)
It’s the apparent true story of the inseparable Von Erich brothers. I guess they made history in the competitive world of professional wrestling in the early 1980s.
(I am cackling at having written those two sentences.)
You guys. I know I said I wanted real-ass movies about real-ass human people, but this is not what I had in mind. First off - who let Zac do whatever he has done to his jaw? I know he’s saying he broke it and blah blah blibity blah, but he looks WILD. I know — I KNOW — don’t talk about anyone’s face or body — just forgive me and join my prayer circle for whatever is happening. The jaw is one thing, but also he is so jacked. Like — it’s distracting. There are so many muscles in so many places and while muscles are enjoyable … this is a whole other level. It looks like one of my little nephews did a pencil drawing of Zac and stuck it onto a CGI monster. It ain’t right. Go ahead, don’t believe me, talk to Google about it … and you’ll see.
Once I was past this madness … I had to manage how this movie was DOING THE MOST ACTING I have ever seen. Somebody was clearly dead set on this being the launching point for Zac’s new life away from High School the Musical. There are squeezed out tears and FEELINGS and YELLING and STRESSING like you have never seen on film. And … this is not a compliment. What I’m saying is — there is A LOT going on and almost none of it is believable. The emotion and all the running around is not genuine and I didn’t feel for these people who happen to be in the very worst most toxic situation. It’s like they worked really hard to get everyone to look and act a certain way, but then forgot they had a very interesting and compelling story to tell.
It is so bad! Like, this is one of the all time worst movies I may have ever seen.
There is a lot of tragedy in this story. The first being that the movie is a love letter to toxic masculinity. The mother barely speaks. The father is abusive. Nobody seems to be fighting any of the ridiculousness that’s going on all over the place. It is all caps TRAGIC and — SPOILER ALERT — basically everyone is dying one by one and since all of these dummies are on a ten and DOING THE MOST you don’t feel anything except PLEASE LET THIS MOVIE END. At one point after brother three or four or twelve drops dead (this movie made me callus) I started laughing out loud to the point of tears and was sure I was going to be thrown out of the theater. To make it all worse after most of the brothers are dead … THEY REUNITE IN HEAVEN (ie THEIR FAVORITE LAKE).
Yeah. Read that last bit again.
Reunited.
AT A FAVORITE LAKE.
IN THE AFTERLIFE.
What in the conservative Christian hell.
ALSO. EVEN JEREMY ALLEN WHITE IS BAD IN THIS MOVIE.
I’m being silly and dramatic and over-opinionated as usual, but I’m really disappointed and sad to have to report this crappiness to you. The story of the Von Erich Brothers is actually very interesting. My brother-in-law tells me that there is a great documentary about them that tells a better, more complete, more emotionally true story. Not that any of us need to be trusting his opinion at this point since he forced us all to go see this garbage. Maybe just visit the Wikipedia page instead and call it a night?
All I can say is this — if you have made a movie with a bunch of hot dudes in tiny shorts and a gay man can’t find it entertaining enough to stay with it — then you need to delete and start over. Speaking of gay men. Could they maybe go back in time and hire one or three to do the wigs for this movie? The wigs are so bad! Who looked at this picture above and thought — this is good — we’re doing a great job?
Anyway. That might be it for me and movies on our winter family Florida trip. And you know what — that’s just fine by me. Like I said. I HAVE A BATHTUB.
Whatcha Doin???
reading: The Burgess by Elizabeth Strout. She’s my all time fave.
watching: The Traitors is back a
nd it’s my whole entire personality.
teaching: I’ll be teaching a storytelling/live-lit class starting February 29 through Story Studio Chicago. Here’s the link for more info. If you’re in the Chicago area … sign up for it! No experience necessary. It’ll be fun I promise! We’re going to write a lot and laugh a lot and do a show together.
HILARIOUS! (And heart-felt. I love those little nephews. Tell them I'll babysit anytime. :)