Girl.
I spent a few harrowing minutes at Target last night getting my snacks right for a road trip and oh my lord in heaven. Folks were SHOWING ALL THE WAY OUT - running through the aisles wild eyes all aglow searching for lord knows what WHILE on speaker phone. I don’t know what their definition of Christmas Spirit is but lemme tell you - this wasn’t it! Be careful out there, y’all. Christmas is like the full moon of full moons. Everyone has their extraness on full blast and you gotta protect yourself.
I always forget this time of year brings out the worst in people. Instead of the little jingle man begging you to toss your money into a homophobic red bucket, we should have him out there throwing fistfuls of Xanax in every direction. Just let me get my little candy canes for my road trip, Janice. Thank goodness I’m heading off to sit by a pool and read myself blind in the warm Jewish winds of Southern Florida.
Don’t worry, I’m packing a flask (and a bulletproof resting bitchy face).
There are no breaks this time of year. You’ve got everyone running around acting a fool to get the right gift and 999 end of the year lists to keep your blood pressure through the roof. Oh, I should have read these 27 books I’ve never heard of and watched these 72 breakout stars in these 895 movies and TV shows while listening to these 77 bands and visited these 64 new restaurants while wearing these shoes and using this tech and on and on…
Who has this kind of time AND MONEY? I don’t know what y’all were doing this year, but most of my time was spent trying to not reach through my Zoom screen to choke some dummies at a board meeting and pay off my credit cards. While I really probably should have fit the Beyoncé concert movie into my schedule all I can think about (having just survived a trip to Target THREE days before Christmas) is everything from this year I hope to never see or hear about again.
I know, I know - it’s another list - but I swear mine is fun. . .
THE MF TITANIC.
The Roman Empire? Nope. If this year taught us anything it’s that we cannot leave the Titanic alone. We re-released the movie and then some old rich white dude got four of his closest friends to hop in a plastic take-out box and ride to the bottom of the sea to check out the wreckage. First of all - that movie is very stressful. I challenge you to rewatch it without taking scheduling an extra sesh with your therapist. THREE HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES? I saw it probably 10 times in the 90s and boohoo’d my way all the way through. When I saw it again in January of this year I kept almost calling 911 because the stress was too much. That boy is cuffed to a pipe for at least 2 of those 3 hours. IT’S TOO MUCH!
Second - not even Barbra Streisand could convince me to get into a soda can and visit the bottom of the ocean. Just kidding, I would do anything Barbra asked of me, but anyone who read her new book knows she would never take a submarine anywhere that doesn’t serve coffee ice cream and pork dumplings. That journey to the bottom of the sea was so tragically stupid. Thanks for the nightmares by dudes.
PLEASE LET JEOPARDY DIE.
Listen. You all seem like very nice people, but Jeopardy is a show hosted by Alex Trebek. I love and adore Blossom and Mr. Reading Rainbow and Ms. Kenny J as much as the next person, but I don’t need to see any of these fools on my television hollering at me about the Daily Double. Nah, Bro! That shit was for the mid-nineties when I came home from school. I understand that this is a stimulating program where we get reminded that … ummm … interesting looking folks with questionable wigs and creative orthodontia should be allowed on network television, but I have had it. When Alex was done, we should have let it die. If you want a trivia game get you some children (ALL THEY DO IS ASK QUESTIONS YOU CANT ANSWER) or run on down to your local bar on trivia night. I’m tired of hearing about it. None of these so called hosts are cute enough to warrant this level of attention. Maybe if you get Lisa Rinna to take the job. MAYBE.
MUSHROOM TEA.
Say mushroom tea to me one more time and I will put my foot up your butt. These little mushroom teas are all over my Instagram feed. Don’t nobody want no damned mushroom tea. I am a grown ass 48 year old person and I want a coffee. I want a regular-ass tea. I want an occasional Diet Coke. I need real-ass caffeine. I can’t be playing around with some hot shiitake mushroom slushy. Call me when mushroom tea keeps Gavin Newsom from emailing me for money.
OZEMPIC
Listen. I don’t give a turkey what anyone does with their body. I don’t care if you are 99 pounds or 399 pounds. It’s none of my business. HOWEVER, if you are a famous former talk show host who has suddenly lost a noticeable amount of weight and you run around telling everyone you’re just doing your stretches and drinking more water - then I will have to call the cops. I hate liars! Just say what you’re doing. No, you’re right, this is also none of my business. HOWEVER - the rules are different for famous folks. TELL US WHAT YOURE DOING SO WE ARENT RUNNING OUT AND BUYING COCAINE TO GET SKINNY LIKE YOU.
I should also note … It’s great that Oprah recently told us she is on a weight loss drug. Too bad she owns a chunk of Weight Watchers and made money on everyone when she was saying it’s all about willpower and counting points AND NOW she’s making money while selling weight loss drugs through Weight Watchers. She’s made money coming AND going. Good for her, I guess but it feels dirty.
T.J. and Amy
Anyone else exhausted by this? All I could think in the beginning is LET THESE DUMMIES HAVE AN AFFAIR. What do I care? Why is anyone fired for having an affair with someone at work. They’re grown-ass adults - let them live their lives. Don’t most people meet their spouse at work? Our whole puritanical thing is reallyyyy obnoxious. OH NO PEOPLE HAVE SEX!! They’re having an affair. They’re not having an affair. They’re being fired. They’re moving to Mars. They like to eat sushi for breakfast. It’s too much! Then, just when I thought this whole thing was done … they’re back in the news because the people they were married to are now together. Get out of here. I hate it all. You’re not even that cute. Though - TJ did go to the University of Arkansas where I went to school so that’s cool I guess. We stan a Razorback, and we were in the journalism department at the same time …
#Scandoval
OMG. Same with these losers. We were half watching the last season of Vanderpump thinking it was boring and about to quit the show when the news of the affair broke. So then we had to keep watching to get up to the affair happening on the show. LOL - a thing we couldn’t even really do because THE SHOW IS SO BORING (we ended up skipping ahead to the affair episode). I know everyone goes wild for it and it does feel like every single person on Earth is eating it up … but … I hate to break it to you … it’s a real snooze. I can’t wait for these 15 minutes to be over. I’m happy Ariana is working all over the place and doing every commercial and will be staring in Chicago the Musical soon. But … please … can this shuffle off to Buffalo!? The build up for the next season is too much.
ANYWAY.
Happy Everything. Thank You for reading. I’m off to Southern Florida to eat everything in sight and read all the books.
What stories are you sick of this year? Let’s talk about it. Tell me in the comments.
Whatcha Doin???
reading: I’m currently listening to My Name is Barbra by Queen Streisand. I got the book for my birthday, but decided listening to it is probably the way to go. It’s super interesting (she hates the color orange, loves coffee ice cream, and was the first choice to star in the movie Splash!?). I also just finished the book Signal Fires (soooo good).
watching: OMG - have y’all watched Julia on MAX? It’s really wonderful. Ohhhhhhh … and The Crown is back.
VOTE FOR US: My storytelling show You’re Being Ridiculous was nominated for best storytelling series in The Chicago Reader’s BEST OF CHICAGO. Please vote for us - I’ll love you forever.
teaching: I’ll be teaching a storytelling/live-lit class in early 2024 through Story Studio Chicago. Here’s the link for more info. If you’re in the Chicago area … sign up for it! No experience necessary. It’ll be fun I promise! We’re going to write a lot and do a show together.
Love this!🤣
I love this post so much. NEVER understood the TJ and Amy brouhaha.
Also if you want people acting a fool, may I direct you to the production of The Nutcracker I attended last night. Thanks for almost ruining my beloved holiday tradition, assholes!
Here’s to all the books we can read over break!