Excuse me! Who is in charge? November is over here trying to kill us all. Is there a manager I can speak with? How are you going to schedule an election that goes on for more than a week and like any single other thing.
My goodness.
I mean did you even know People’s Sexiest Man Alive came out recently? Obviously I did because I am a garbage person addicted to pop culture “news,” but I almost missed it. How am I supposed to do anything other than bask in the glow of a possible Lauren Boebert upset?? The sexy men came, Oprah’s favorite things, the return of Dead to Me, Love is Blind, The Crown, Twitter is out here dying, AND a cast album for the new Funny Girl drops today.
They got me out here working overtime. I love things, but this seems like way too many? One foot in front of the other, I guess. This year’s sexiest man alive is apparently Chris Evans? He’s cute, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen him in a movie and it got me wondering — WHO are all the sexiest men from like all the years? This whole thin started back in 1985, when, as you know, was the first time any men were sexy. That’s 37 years, but you’ll see there are only 34 dudes listed here. Why? Well, because Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Captain Jack (lol) are so sexy they made the list TWICE. I love a list and a ranking, so I thought I’d rank all these dudes. Some of the choices are interesting (italicized because I’m classy and this is how I throw shade in text form). I won’t spoil it for you, you’ll know the interesting choices when you get to them.
My question is have the good people at People Magazine never heard of Jason Momoa? What about Matthew Bomer, or Steve Kornacki, or Wentworth Miller?? OMG. Remember Wentworth? Where is he? What I’m trying to say is HOW ABOUT A HOMOSEXUAL, YOU JERKS! Whatevs. People Magazine cannot be trusted. They recently decided to give busted ass Matthew Perry the cover of their magazine over Angela Lansbury. Don’t nobody want to look at his weirdly misshapen mouth situation! How very dare they give that fool the cover over the death of one of the greatest and most talented people of all time? It’s practically homophobic.
So tell me … how’d I do? Would you rank them differently?
34. Mel Gibson
Was the theme ANTISEMITISM? I guess there were about 12 people on the planet back in ‘85, so I guess we have to let this one slide. I suppose we’re lucky they didn’t try to make it Ronald Reagan that year. The arc of history is long and it bends toward me never forgetting this dude is an wacko.
33. Blake Shelton
This is really asking a lot of Gwen Stefani fans. Wow. Everything after the 2016 election has been a wild-ass ride. I’d like to request a vote recount? Were we out of people in 2017? Was everyone down in the bomb shelter? I guess it could have been Mike Pense, so lemme be quiet. I’d put this dude dead last, but like … apparently he’s sorta charming and not at all antisemitic.
32. Nick Nolte
Girl. I don’t know. The Prince of Tides is good, but like — not this good?
31. Matt Damon
OK, I will give you that in this particular picture he’s giving take off your pants vibes. HOWEVER. Imma have to keep mine on because this dude RECENTLY (as in 2021 — AKA last MF year) said he had to retire the homophobic slur “F*G.” Therefore, I can’t be watching Matt Damon movies, and I cannot condone this choice, and I will not be sending a car to rescue his punk ass from Mars.
30. Tom Cruise
Maybe you have to be a Scientologist to understand this one? He was definitely hot for a time, so alright, but I can never forgive him for how he treated my queen Nicole Kidman. The Oprah couch anyone? Nope.
29. Johnny Depp
This used to be my playground//This used to be my childhood dream//
This used to be the place I ran to//Whenever I was in need of a friend
Why did it have to end?
Well, girl, I’ll tell you why it had to end. It’s because you turned Pirates of the Caribbean into a whole ass personality and lifestyle. He was gorgeous and talented and every singe thing, and now poof — he’s a dirt bag.
28. Sean Connery
Sorry to your mom, but I just don’t get it (and never have).
27. Hugh Jackman
Is it the accent? Do some folks go blind when they hear an accent? Yes, he’s charming. Yes, he looks like he hasn’t eaten a carbohydrate since 1997, but it’s a no from me dog. Also has he ever once looked like he does in this picture? And please stop showing me pictures of his wife, he is not a hero because he’s not married to a supermodel. ALSO. Please stop singing at me I have had it. While we’re here — literally no one needed that Music Man revival.
26. Pierce Brosnan
This one had me flummoxed. The only thing more boring than a James Bond movie is THIS CHOICE. Where would you put him?
25. Mark Harmon
OMG. Is this list finally going to start a turnaround? This one I get. There’s a boyish charm. There’s a smirk. There’s some light behind the eyes. I’m into it. Sure this cover is from GULP 36 years ago, but he’s still pretty sexy today at 71.
24. Harry Hamlin
Wait. Is this the first time I’m noticing Harry has Lisa Rina lips? He’s handsome, makes great spaghetti sauce, and is married to my favorite housewife. YEAH, I’m #TeamLisa FOREVER. She’s wild, and I love every second. Also, you could slice bread on this jawline. What in the world.
23. The Rock
I don’t know. Should The Rock be higher on the list? Maybe. I keep going back and forth. I love him? But also — not my type. Definitely sexy. Definitely should be on this list. Though I am also definitely scared he might crack me right in half and then who’s gonna send these newsletters and keep you entertained??
22. Patrick Swayze
I know it was the 90s but what is this hair doing? Is this Farrah Fawcett’s old wig? There is a party in the front AND a party in the back. On the one hand I fully do not get it, but also he’s pretty cute? There’s something about the look in his eyes — like he’s got a secret AND I LIKE SECRETS — but he also seems gentle enough to make me Eggs Benny in the morning.
21. Harrison Ford
All I say say about this one is Han Solo FOREVER. Grandpa Han Solo is better than no Han Solo… even if he is with that old bag of bones Calista.
20. Ricard Gere
He’s hot. Anyone who has a fling with Diane Von Furstenberg is HOTT. These days, I don’t know, but back in the day — lord have mercy.
19. Denzel Washington
Look at this beautiful man! We knew what we were doing back in the mid-nineties. Anyway, please put down your phone and go watch The Pelican Brief right now!
18. Jude Law
You might be asking yourself WHERE IS JUDE? I know, right? It’s been a minute. Well, he has SIX children with FOUR different women, so he’s probably down at Judge Mathis writing checks. He turns 50 next month, which seems like a really weird time to have a baby (his latest kid was born in 2020). Jude is like real real busy with his six kids, but he better get back on my TV so he can pay for all this messiness.
17. Chris Evans
Wild that it took them two years to honor him for that little dick pic “accident” back in 2020. I can confirm that pic does not show up in the magazine. Girl, I can’t even find it on the internet anymore, or you know that’s the pic you’d see right here instead of this year’s honoree.
16. Chris Hemsworth
There are so many Chrises. I honestly put these two next to each other so we can study and figure out the differences. This one looks like a baby Brad Pitt, and I’m a girl from the 90s, so you know that means I have to rank him higher.
15. Keanu Reeves
Today in “the most Gen X thing you have read this month” category — in 1994 People Magazine didn’t select a sexiest man or give everyone’s favorite special edition of the magazine a cover. Keanu was given the award for 1994 … 21 years later … in 2015. Whatever. Better late than never. OMG — you thought this was a dumb list and look, you just learned something, friend!
14. Matthew McConaughey
Alright. Alright. ALRIGHT! I love this man. To think this happened around the days of The Wedding Planner and not later on when we got all that Magic Mike sexiness. Naked bongos anyone???
13. Ben Affleck
Oh, gosh. Remember 2002? Everything was so fresh then — he was in round one of his J-Lo romance, and still had a little smolder left in the eyes.
12. John Legend
Oh, girl. They gave us TWO covers back in 2019. They’re both basically the same and I’m getting zero sex appeal. I think maybe that eyebrow is supposed to make you feel something? Maybe? I’m ranking this one high because his voice will melt your face right off. It’s gorgeous. Sexy? I don’t know. He looks like a Kindergarten teacher.
11. George Clooney
George might be the most charming person this side of Julia Roberts. LOVE. 10/10 no notes.
10. Ryan Reynolds
He’s cute. He’s self deprecating. He co-stars with Sandy Bullock in The Proposal. I have literally no idea what he has done since that movie, but how do you top that anyway??
9. Paul Rudd
I’ve been in love with Paul since Clueless. Though, it is super frustrating that he looks EXACTLY the same as he did back in 1995 when he made that movie. That probably means he’s a witch, so I had to rank him high!
8. Bradley Cooper
Who selected the cover this year? He looks like a real doofus here. I love him because he gave us a new remake of A Star is Born, which is like the last fun movie I can remember (I SAID WHAT I SAID). Though, how are you gonna just not full on give us a few months of a relationship with Lady Gaga. Like — what’s wrong with you, bro??
7. Idris Elba
This dude is so hot he almost made me believe that Cats wasn’t all that bad.
6. David Beckham
First of all Victoria Beckham is a goddess. Second. How can one person be this gorgeous and always always ALWAYS have the most perfect hair. Like always. Even when the hair is bad it’s good. Also why is he looking at me like that?
5. Adam Levine
Listen, I know. I’m not normally into douche bags, but the abs/tattoo combo really does something for me. Sometimes you need a little garbage in your life, ya know? This one here is some really sexy garbage. I’ll just have to wear my earplugs for when he starts singing at me.
4. John F. Kennedy Jr.
He’s just so gorgeous. It makes me sad to think of all the drama and trouble he would have gotten into over the last few years.
3. Brad Pitt
Girl. I know. I read the news. But. She’s a monster too. I remember being so embarrassed to buy this magazine back in 1995. My little pre-gay self popped into the Wal-Mart and then ran out to my car to flip through it while blasting my Legends of the Fall sound track. Yes, girl, that’s the closest I could get to him. My love was deep and I needed that orchestra to narrate my obsession. I mean have you seen Legends of the Fall? When he flipped his hat (GOOGLE IT), I almost had an orgasm right there in my little theatre seat. I saw it like 10 times (hashtag student discounted tickets). I’m hopelessly devoted to Brad. Forever. Always.
2. Channing Tatum
Why is he number 2? Look at that ass. OK. Now ask me again. Also anyone who wants to put Joe Manganiello in a movie for me deserves all my respect. My god I cannot wait for Magic Mike III. Check out this preview. It looks terrible, and I cannot wait.
1. Michael B. Jordan
He might actually be the hottest man ever to live on Planet Earth. Fight me.
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I had to come reread this great post because I don't see one for December....