Girl. What is going on over there at the Queer Eye loft? I know gays is drama BUT DAMN.
When news of Bobby Berk leaving the show dropped a few months back I thought it was time for me to trash this old Antoni Porowski autographed avocado I’ve been holding on to and find myself a bigger, better, and gayer obsession. I covered the mirrors, cranked up the saddest Brandi Carlile playlist I could find, and prepared for the end.
It would indeed be the end, right?
I meannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn — What they gonna do over there without Bobby Berk? Don’t get too excited. I’m not in love. Bobby is perfectly acceptable … as long as you just look away and pretend he didn’t dye his beard a different shade than the hair on his head for a whole season … but you have to admit … interesting eyeliner choices aside … HE IS THE WHOLE ENTIRE SHOW.
Think about it.
He’s the only one with a job!
Oh, sure, sure, sure — trimming beard hairs, and pretending Avocado Toast needs an actual recipe, and directing your bitchy British accent at someone’s gross closet while also winning an Oscar for seeming to not notice whatever the fuck grandma-wardrobe-shit JVN has decided to terrorize us with on any particular episode, and talking in cars with whoever is on the show this week are totally jobs … but like … they possibly pale in comparison to building whole-ass houses and creating Insta moments from trash heaps in Texas.
It has been very stressful for me. We need as many gay and queer folks on the airwaves as possible. ESPECIALLY since you have all these maniacs on the Supreme Court running around talking about how the decision to let us marry and have families was a mistake. OMG - they say this literally every chance they get. So, Bobby walking away from this very gay and positively delightful and wholesome television program when he should just stand there and deliver charming, admirable, and upstanding homo realness for moms in Alabama so they don’t cart us all off to Guantanamo Bay seems like a pretty small ask.
I went through a whole range of emotion about it. Maybe it was time for it all to end, but how could this dude just LEAVE before any formal announcement. That’s what it feels like, right? Maybe the show is on a slow death spiral, but Bobby’s exit was kinda thrown at us like some sort of Matthew Crawly-esque ego trip
OHMYLORD — remember that little bitch?
(Oh, my goodness, pardon me, I have feelings.)
That dirt bag left Downton Abbey because he was … WHAT … too successful? Having too much fun? On the most popular television show in the Universe and it was hard for him? There were too many checks to cash and his wrist was tired from all those signatures? I don’t know if y’all know this BUT I HOLD A GRUDGE. I never watched that show ever again. I didn’t even see that dummy die in that car accident I was so mad. Ain’t nobody got time for a smarty pants performer who quits mid-stream. You little creatives are out here thinking you have freedom to make your own choices. No, Kim Cattrall, get up there on my TV and make me laugh.
See? Feelings.
I felt this same indignation about Bobby. How dare he leave us? What could he possibly do after Queer Eye? A line of wooden bowls at Target? Wallpaper at Home Goods? Hair dye at Walgreens? WHAT. Then, just as my little gay rage was reaching a peak and I was about to throw my LaCroix at the TV because he was ruining everything — the gossip started to leak.
Apparentlyyyyyyyy — the Fab Five aren’t all that tight. YES - all that charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent we fell in love with in the beginning was once there, but then all the attention sorta kinda might have turned them into catty little beasts. As Queer Eye’s popularity exploded, so did the need to be the show’s most popular star. There have been cookbooks, podcasts, talk shows, clothing companies, other TV Shows and soooooooo much money — these dudes where hungry and EVERYYYYWHEREEEE.
And now, years in, things are starting to fall apart! Tan was the only cast member invited to Antoni’s bachelor party, none of them seem to be able to say a kind word about their cast mates in public, and JVN has JUST THIS WEEK been accused of being a Patti-LuPone-style rage monster on set. The whole internet is now telling us that as these dramas increased Bobby was engaging less and less with the others. He seemed check out and his need to compete for the most popular cast member fizzled. Though, maybe it was less about the antics behind the scenes and more about the feeling that the show was coming to a close.
At the end of last season there was even a tearful goodbye moment when filming wrapped. They all knew and agreed this was it. Bobby got other projects lined up and felt like he was moving on … but then the writers strike hit and Netflix for some reason decided they wanted more. They offered a contract extension that would involve FOUR MORE season of Queer Eye, which didn’t seem possible for Bobby with all the other gigs he had lined up. He didn’t think about it too much though because he felt the cast seemed to be on the same page and were over it. It was time for the end, and that was alright since all five would surely have to be on board for the show to continue.
He was right, except that somewhere in the middle of the strike the other cast mates changed course and decided to leave Bobby out. Antoni and Tan even engaged in mean girl antics by campaigning for Jeremiah Brent to be his replacement.
I meannnnnnnnn — I know gays is drama but DAMN!
Obviously Queer Eye serves as the main vehicle to keep everyone’s stardom afloat and keep their separate ventures alive (most of which are flopping) but DANG GIRL. They dropped Bobby like a hot potato, and everyone seems totally cool with him looking like a jerk. Let’s hope the addition of Jeremiah will calm all these tensions. Are these dudes ready for Mrs. Nate Berkus? She’s REAL classy and super talented and a MF delight. They think they’re all cute for pushing for him to be on the show, but one false move from these dummies and before they know it this will be the Nate and Jeremiah show.
Doesn’t everyone know gays aren’t lampshades? You can’t just swap one queer out for another, Janice. WE ARE HOUSE CATS. Tossing a new gay into the mix willy nilly without a few test runs isn’t recommended.
Ohhhhhhh, GIRL.
I can’t wait to see how this turns out.
OBSESSED.
reading: I just finished Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. I had been meaning to read this for a while and Demon Copperhead was so good I decided I might as well get on this one. SO MUCH KINGSOLVER. Also? I started Come and Get It by Kiley Reid … and I’m loving it.
watching: The Traitors! I’m so in love with this show I’m also watching the UK version at the same time. It’s all Traitors all the time at my house. GET INTO IT.
eating: You should totally make these hot cheese olives. They’re so good you won’t know what to do. Perfect easy appetizer for your next party, or just treat yourself, boo!
Kingsolver is soooooooo good ❤️